My mother makes absolutely no sense. A few years ago, she called my cell phone during peak hours from her landline. I think I asked her to call back and she called MY landline - from HER cell phone!! WTF??? Sprint to Sprint for both of us would have been FREE, yet she couldn't grasp that concept. So when I answered my phone, I briefly explained to her about in-network calls and she was like, Okay. We got disconnected and she called me back - this time, her landline to my landline, which was also long distance. :-| I asked her why and she responded that she understood. I continued to ask why and told her it didn't make any sense and that she was wasting money. She said she wasn't or something along those lines. I then told her she wasting my sister's money (because she would regularly borrow from her) and then she was like, "Why you always find some little thing to pick at?" I answered, "It's not a little thing - it's a big thing!" And while she was telling me I always find something to say, I ask her, "Well, why do you have to do things like that?" Finally, she simply went silent. And then she said, "Fine. I just called to see how you were doing. Bye." *click*
Yo Momma!
I once called my mother a name. Yep, I sure did. But what exactly did I say? Well, there was an instance (one of many) where she was showing her... discontent. Basically, when she's upset about something, it's written all over her face. In this case, I believe she was mad about something and I told her, "You look like a demon!"
Man, oh, man, was that the wrong thing to say! She instantly flew off her broom handle (haha) and replied, "Fine! Call me a dog then!" She went on to say how she would never have talked to her mother the way I do. I had given her such an insult and, I'm sorry, but I know very little about the intricacies of her culture. But in my defense, these things are probably really bad things to say to your mother in another language. But not in English!
Good grief, Momma! All I meant to say with my comment was to point out how angry she looked and how that anger manifested itself on her face! Sheesh!
Ship Out!
I was preparing for my daughter's first birthday party. One of my friends arrived early and came with her young son and to help out with any preparations if need be. At one point, my friend was in the kitchen helping my husband cook. My mom, my daughter, my friend's son, and I were in the adjoining family room. Mom had started vacuuming and meanwhile, the kids are playing.
Mother was attempting to vacuum the carpet in front of the couch. My friend's son happened to be standing there, as he was playing at the coffee table. My mother, you see, doesn't like "bad" kids. In her viewpoint, children should be seen and not heard. They shouldn't be running around and having fun. And if they're in someone else's house, they definitely should be sitting still, hands folded in lap, and quiet as hell.
While I can understand this to a certain point, I think grown-ups should have hearts and a measure of understanding, especially as they ascend in age! So, anyhow, I'm not sure if my mom was annoyed at the fact that this boy was in her house and playing and having fun, but while he was standing stationary by the couch and in the path of her vacuum, she firmly told him, "Move! Ship out!"
I responded by telling Mommy she was rude. She immediately got upset saying how I made the comment in front of "everybody" and embarrassed her. Mind you, my friend and my husband were still in the kitchen and not the least bit concerned with what was going on in the family room. And although they were oblivious to the "non-events", my mom was livid to the extent that she stormed out. I'm talking, she left and was not seen for the entirety of the party.
Actually, she was seen. One of my other friends who came to the party said my mom was outside on the side of the house. She was gardening and CRYING. Yep. I am such a horrible daughter, aren't I? And you know what's worse? Either my mom's a liar or she has unintentionally invented memories. Later when I spoke to my sister, and we're always swapping interactions we have with our mother and telling the other the details of stories according to her.
This time, when my sister told me what exactly had happened, I found out that I had misheard my mother. *rolling eyes* No, she wasn't rude to my friend's son. In fact, I really need to clean out my ears because she only told him, "Move, baby." Maaann - I know what I heard and that is NOT what she said, nor (if my sister gave it the proper intonation) was it the tone she used.
Mommie Dearest
Remember that film "Mommie Dearest" based on the actress Joan Crawford and what a wretched, horrible mother she was? Everyone likes to allude to the line "No wire hangers!" Well, my sister and I saw that flick when we were younger and around that time, I remember we called our own mother, to her face, "Mommie Dearest." Now, I don't recall if we were being facetious or what, but I do know that Mom scolded us for saying it. Well, many, many moons later, I relayed the incident to "Mommie Dearest" and, naturally, she has no recollection of any such occurrence. She conveniently forgets things, but has an amazing way of pulling the most insignificant events out of the past, expecting you to remember them as vividly as she.
That's Silly!
Using the word 'silly' is not a bad thing, right? Well, according to my mother, it is! She equates it, I think, to the word 'dumb' or 'stupid.' I found this out when my 2-year-old daughter was talking to her and said something to the effect of: "Silly Grandma!" Well, I'll be! That set my mom off straight away. She proceeded to yell at my daughter for no good reason! She told her not to talk to her that way. I tried, futilely, to explain to her that 'silly' was not a bad word. She wasn't convinced and I think it still bothers her if my daughter says it. How the heck is she gonna tell me how to speak my own language? The problem is, my mother, if she learned one version of something a long time ago, there's no way to tell her any different. She might be right or close, but she doesn't get the concept of different connotations. Another problem: she interprets American things through Vietnamese culture. You just can't do that. But try telling Mommy Dearest that!
Hair Story
My mother is hairless. What? Well, I mean, she's not hairy. Huh? Okay. She's not bald. But she's not furry either. What I'm trying to say is, my mom doesn't have a lot of hair on her body a la Europeans. Whoops. Hair doesn't grow on her arms or legs. She does not need to shave. She claims to have "Indian" skin. Yup. That's what she calls it.
She does, however, get the occasional SINGLE hair in the armpit area. That's right - one or two hairs that grow in and she notices because they itch. So here's a classic memory: she used to have me or my sister pluck the hair from her 'pits. Yeah.
And because my mother never had the need to shave, my sister and I never learned the art of shaving from her. She insisted that we, being her daughters, had skin like her and that we didn't need to shave. Needless to say, we had to learn about hair extraction elsewhere...
Glossary
The following are words or phrases from my mom's vocabulary. This is just in case you should ever find yourself talking to her, you'll be able to interpret what she's saying! ;)
I tried to transliterate the best I could, but I'm sure some of my spelling conventions are not precise enough. I don't know how to approximate my mother's R's, which sort of sound like a mix between R and W. And she often drops off the final consonants of words, like S's. Adjectives somehow become gerunds.
A
airfort airport
B
baw ball
baw boil
bodda bother
butt button
C
chew you mao "chew your mouth" - what this means is "chew the food in your mouth", or better stated "chew your food".
Chai-nee Chinese
clo' close or clothes
co'-ing cold
coo' cool (perhaps she's spent too much time around certain dialects, hehe)
corinne Korean
D
dat that
denta dentures
dop stop
E
eyeliss eyelid
F
file pile
G
gimme see Let me see (Give it to me so I can see it)
grozy gross
H
hot-ing hot
hoe(w) hold
I
ignant ignorant (lol, yes, she does say it the ghetto way!)
I lub you I love you
J
Japanee Japanese
jelling jealous
Jeeza Jesus
K
Ka-rin Korean
M
mao mouse
mao mouth
Micka Mao Mickey Mouse
moo move
mudda mother
N
nai nice
nai night
no' nose
nozzy nausea, nauseous
P
pai-pai papaya
pan pants
pat pass
poke chops pork chops
pwiddy pretty (it's not quite a 'w', but close enough!)
puss pudding (Don't ask! But I sure don't like when she asks me if I want some! :-P)
put push
R
raviyoyo ravioli
S
sic pee six piece
small smile
spensy expensive
stum stomach
stoopin stupid
T
take your shirt out take your shirt off
throw out throw up
W
what she name is? What's her name?
where dog? Where is the dog?
Y
yoke yogurt
